The Miserable Student's Words of Wisdom

You may have noticed this guy in the top left hand-corner of the page...

What you may also have noticed is that he is not only animated (a little) but he is also giving us a few comments - and a different comment every week.

Most of these comments have been in the form of jokes. Most of the jokes are original to the site, many of, I would say, funny, and others - well - you really need to think about text VERY carefully. You may need a native speaker to help you work out the jokes, some of which are - how can I put it - a bit intellectual. But they are funny. Trust me on this.

When the student first made his appearance, he just made odd comments, not all of which were funny. These ranged from  'Now where on earth can I buy Weetabix in Poland?' and 'You know, you lot in Poland are really missing out on Twiglets. Google it.' 'I know which party I'm voting for this weekend... the TEE PARTY!' (This was the weekend of the Polish general election) and 'I think I need a wash. I've been wearing these same clothes for weeks now.' and 'Summer's made a comeback here in Poland. And I don't have my shorts!' and  'Well, I've been to worst places than this top left-hand corner.' You get the idea. Some mildly amusing in the context they were used, but not all that funny.

Then... well, he started telling a joke every week.

We've picked the best thirty that he's told in 2016 and put them on this page, along with his roommate (the one who thought the dishwasher was the washing machine and so broke everything). So analyse, enjoy, and try to laugh.

Who knows, I may even try them out in some stand-up comedy one day...

'I've just built a new kind of spaceship. It travels at heavy speed.'

​'My friend was smashing his watch with a hammer. He said he was killing time.'

'I wanted to be a fortune-teller but was told that there was no future.'

'I told my boss that driving a car that cannot stop for 8 hours is too long. I need the brakes.'

'Would I go to a cardiologist? In a heartbeat.'

'I met a man who worked at a cemetery. He's really tired of people asking him what he does for a living.'

'All I've done since 8am is eat and eat and eat. I'm getting fed up.'

'I was twenty minutes late for my latest English grammar lesson. The subject just happened to be on punctuation.'

​'I've had no success at all getting my autobiography published. It's the story of my life.'

'My friend did not want to throw his old clock into the bin because he thought it was a waste of time.'

'I saw a book in the shop called 'Making Important Decisions in Your Life', but I didn't know if I should buy it.'

'Don't take a metal detector to the beach this summer. I've buried a few things and written on them: 'Get a life'.'

​'My bottom is the butt of all jokes.'

'I bought a new book. I decided to see what happens at the end. It was Zennor in Cornwall. I'd got a UK road atlas by mistake.' 

'I wanted a good piece of advice on what is a rubbish birthday present. My friend gave me a tip.'

'I had a dream that I swallowed a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, I discovered my pillow had gone.'

'My sister's son didn't like the 'unit-of-information-in-a-computer-memory'  -flavoured jam.

It had bits in it.'

'There was this man who claimed he was a seismologist, but his qualifications meant he was on shaky ground.'

'I was invited to the "don't believe that things will be successful" convention, but I was cynical.'

'Recipe books and science fiction books are the same. You know that the result isn't going to be real.'

'I met a trendy baby. She didn't want the fruit tea mummy was giving her. She said it wasn't Hipp.'

'I'm not very good at improvising so I have to keep making things up.'

'A friend's son threw his flashlight out of the window. He wanted to see how fast light travelled.'

'Don't talk to a person who is on the ground, on his back. He could be lying.'

'My girlfriend and I had a really big argument about parts of the body. Of course, things soon came to a head.'

'I went to hospital because I swallowed a full battery. I've since been discharged.'

'In my office block there was no paper in our mens' toilet so I had to use the floor below.'

'I often walk in a field near home. The cow lets me go free, but the bull charges.'

'If you owe the tax office money, they want it now, but if they owe you money, you won't see it for months.'

'If you take a bath or shower, where's the best place to put it?'

​'Did you know the anagram for 'shoveling lie' is 'I love English?' 

All media on this website is © Roger Hartopp/Tertium publishing group 2019, except where noted that they are copyright of a contributor.

Please do not copy without permission. If you do decide to use one of my cartoons for demonstration purposes, or create a link directly to one of my cartoons held on this site, then do please credit where you got it from. Me. Those are the rules, I'm afraid...