The Miserable Student's Words of Wisdom - 2020
Fifth successful year! He hasn't had the chance to tell so many this year, but when he has, this is what he said...
If you rearrange the letters to 'Merry Christmas', you get Mr Starchy Miser. That describes some people at Christmas perfectly.
Somebody stole my toilet. There's no evidence as to who did it - I have nothing to go on.
'Do this regularly: Draw one short straight vertical line upwards. Then at the top, draw another straight line vertically to the right but shorter. Repeat this from the middle of the vertical line, and then the bottom of the vertical line. Do this regularly and you'll be fine!' Oh, I love E-learning.
You know, worrying can be a good thing because most of the time the things you worry about never happen.
I had a terrible holiday with everything going wrong visiting Chalapy, Kuznica, Jastarnia and Jurata. Quite simply, I went to Hel and back. (If you're Polish and know your country's geography quite well, you're more likely to understand this one-liner.)
Going to bed early. Not going to parties. Not leaving my house. Doing my homework. All my childhood punishments have now become my adult goals...
A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a comma is a pause at the end of the clause.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.
What word connects the words irony and army? Handy. When pressing your shirt, you use the irony with your handy that is at the end of your army.
What is the definition of irony? When someone writes 'Your an idiot.'
I bought a book on really excellent and useful bathroom and kitchen sponges for washing and cleaning. I thought it was very absorbing.
I thought my friend said that the city where he was studying was full of psychopaths... until I visited the place and it was full of cyclists on special roads for bikes.
The only time I was perfect was in the information I presented on my CV.
Having a girlfriend or boyfriend is practice in finding that special person who will annoy you for the rest of your life.
I just went to the optician to get my eyes checked and found out I’m colourblind. This diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
I often wondered why a baseball bat is so dangerous. Then it hit me.
I told my girlfriend that the last thing I want to do today is clean the toilet. She said, 'Good, as it’s still on today's list.'
You realise what a boring life you led when a coronavirus happens and you have to make zero changes to your lifestyle.
When I entered my second day of self-isolating watching TV at home I found a nice lady sitting on my sofa. Apparently, she's my girlfriend.
During this difficult time, introverts are now considered experts on the field of "How to keep yourself from dying of boredom."
I now find it strange that, in a complete role reversal to my teenage years, I'm shouting at my parents for going out.
Perhaps the most unfortunate anagram for coronavirus is the adjective meaning 'animals that eat meat.'
One other thing I hate about the coronavirus: I can't cut short a phone call to say 'Sorry, I have to go out'... when I can't.'
I saw an injured man who said, "Call me an ambulance". So I said, "Okay, you're an ambulance." Ah, the old jokes are the best.
My friend told me he was going out of his mind. Then he said he'd be back in five minutes.
My doctor told me he hasn't got any patience. Then I realised he meant he worked in an empty hospital.
I've got a friend who enjoys pretending to be false people. I told him to get real.
I've been spoken to about flaps on the back of cars to help create drag. But I can't tell you what they are called yet - spoilers!
They say money talks. Mine only says goodbye.
Alcohol is the best solvent ever. It dissolves everything, including relationships.
I used to work for an envelope factory, but due to financial problems, it eventually folded.
I met an American who, for some reason, could only say 'trousers, trousers, trousers.' I thought he was just talking pants.
I was once arrested for stealing a rotisserie. I was grilled by the police but they could seer I was innocent.
I was having dinner with a chess champion. Unfortunately, we had a checked tablecloth so it would take him an hour to pass me the salt.