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The Miserable Student's Words of Wisdom - 2021


Now in his sixth year! But he is slowing down a bit as I've not had the chance to update the site very often, so here are the one-liners that made it.... 

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas. She said "Nothing would make her happier than a new smartwatch. So I bought her nothing.


Now I'm not saying that I live in a rough area, but the advent calendar I bought had half the windows boarded up.

Someone tried to explain how to refer to a signal that a danger or difficulty is over, but for me it was all clear.


I used to work at a calendar factory, but the bosses didn't like you taking a day off. Somebody once stole a calendar too, and he got twelve months.

It took me ages to read the 300-page instruction book for my new washing machine. But eventually I celebrated when I finished the Ukrainian section.


I went for a job interview at IKEA. I knocked on the interviewer's door and opened it. She said, "come in and make a seat"...


They say that money talks. Mine always says goodbye.

When I was at school, I was told to consider a career in making handles. They told me it would open doors.

I was a judge at a furniture naming contest. One guy wanted to call his design a slideable table box, the other wanted to call it an internal desk container. I decided to call it a drawer. 

Recipes are like science-fiction books. You look at the end and you think "Well, that couldn't possibly happen.

You know you're not university material when your TV or your collection of games is bigger than your collection of hard and soft copy books.

What have politicians and babies' nappies have in common? They both need changing regularly, and for good reason!

'I'm terrible at spelling. I mean, how many 'F's' are there in the word 'pharoah'? 

It's weird, but I've noticed that the older you get, the earlier everything seems late.

Being told I'm ageing gracefully is saying in a nice way that I'm slowly looking older. And worse.

Oh my goodness! The water's been cut off! How am I supposed to make coffee now?

A man walked into a bar. It hurt.

I'm not very empathetic, but I know friends who are so I can only imagine how they must feel.

Two conspiracy theorists walked into a bar. ...or did they?

I booked a table for Valentine's Day. But it wasn't a good night - my girlfriend doesn't play snooker.

What does ignorance and apathy mean to me? I don't know and I don't care.

You've lost your sense of touch? How do you feel?

I bought a digital wig from Apple. It's iPad Hair.

I don't like the definitions of awful, unpleasant, horrible, and so on. They're not very nice.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, It means a lot.



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