The Miserable Student's Words of Wisdom - 2017

 

Well, he's back with another collection of one-liner jokes he's expressed on the home page (more or less) every week over 2017. Here's the best of them.

'I hate Christmas. I buy all the presents but Santa gets all the credit.

'Peeling onions is like watching too much online television. My eyes were streaming.'

​'Someone said I should express my opinions or intentions clearly, but I was non-committal.'

'I occasionally get insomnia but I don't lose any sleep about it.'

'Someone emailed me an advertisement about processed meat. It was spam.'

'Six people, one after the other, all asked me If I knew the answer to what was very foolish or strange. I thought it was crazy.'

'Thesaurus? Gosh, words fail me when I try to think of synonyms.'

'A lexicographer? Well, what they do I can only put into so many words.'

'Someone described this half-an-apartment as being on a hill, but I thought it was a bit-flat.'

'I went to a paper fair. They had tracing, photocopying, corrugated, white and much more, but after one hour I got board.'

'Somebody invented an invisible scoreboard, but I couldn't see the points.'

'I was on a comprehension course but I didn't understand it.'

'I wanted to talk about how men should be far more positive in life, but my girlfriend wouldn't let me.'

'It took me just ten seconds to produce a round, flat piece of black plastic upon which I can store sounds such as music. It must be a record.'

'I once worked in an ointment factory. It was a disaster. Even today, my friends still think it's funny and they keep rubbing it in.'

'I once worked at a perfume factory. I tried mixing still water, mineral water, tap water and fizzy water, but I was told it wouldn't make any scents.'

'I was asked to give a talk on courage, but I wasn't very brave.'

'Someone's setting up a conference about impulsive people. It starts in five seconds.'

'I was invited to a meeting about people being superfluous, but then they told me I wasn't needed.'

'The only time I'm perfect is when I'm writing a job application form.'

'It's strange that when a police car drives behind me. I feel more worried than protected.'

'My group had a maths test. 56% passed. I was one of the 33% that failed.'

'I'm clearly getting old. Work is now a lot less fun, but fun now seems a lot more work.'

'I've discovered it's possible to do two things at once. Waste time and be unproductive.'

'Somebody wanted to take me to a presentation called 'I can tell you everything', but I didn't want to know.'

'I bought a puzzle. It said on the box, '3-8 years'. I managed to do it in six months.'

'Someone asked in a humorous way what word describes something that will make you laugh. I thought it was funny.'

'In my English exam, the alarm bell rang when I got to the section on punctuation. Everything came to a full stop.'

'I went on a bargain hunt today and shot a TV and a ladies' coat.'

'I was invited to a seminar called 'We're not using our minds properly', but I never gave it a thought.'

'I'm on a vodka diet. I've already lost four days.'

'My girlfriend is on holiday in San Francisco.  She sent me a postcard of Alcatraz and wrote, 'wish you were there'.

'I had a problem on what to do with some salt. Someone told me to put it in some water. What a good solution.'

'I beat an egg last week. I scored 53 points, the egg 37.'

'I wanted to give a talk on the absence of a thin, sharp end of a pin or needle, but then I thought, 'no point.'
'I went to my local hypermarket. Gosh, the overenthusiasm there.'
'I had a great Christmas. But that last one wasn't it.'
'I was supposed to enquire about a course on procrastination today, but I've delayed it until tomorrow.'

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