The Miserable Student's Words of Wisdom - 2019

 

Fourth successful year! And he's still coming out with these. Here are the best for this year...

I got my girlfriend some make-up used in horror movies for Christmas. I can't wait to see her face when she tries it.

 

All my work colleagues wanted to do this morning was discuss criticizing people who are unable to do their job or a task properly. I mean, talk about incompetence!

 

There's this company that pays me to interrupt people and stop what they're doing and upsetting them. Some people think I'm very disturbing.

I wanted to design a very sophisticated, modern and state-of-the-art 500m tall skyscraper, but when the authorities looked at my plans in detail, they told me there were too many floors.

I know I'd like to be in the position of giving out permission to everyone, but I can't allow myself to do that.

I like using selfie sticks. They help me when I need to have a good, long look at myself.

When shopping for furniture, IKEA is the only place I know where you literally have to make the beds.

They say that being fat runs in the family. Unfortunately, nobody runs in my family.

I couldn't work out why night becomes day, but it eventually dawned on me.

I once took on the job of trying to bring a being into existence in Frankenstein's laboratory, but I couldn't make a living out of it.

My friend went on a building course and learned how to make concrete. He said it was good, solid work.

My friend went on a building course and learned all about the structure and properties of concrete. He said it was hard.

I went to a talk titled 'Only ten per cent of everything is as not as bad as you thought' - so this made it only a bit of a disappointment.

I've been invited to go to a seminar titled 'The truth about Charles Darwin' but I didn't want to see the event evolve into an argument.

I've got this friend who does all kinds of things that can be embarrassing to him and us. He's just told me he's taken up limbo dancing. I mean, how low can you go?

When it comes to making a staircase, there are several steps you have to take.

I often wondered what happened at the end of night-time. Then it dawned on me.

My girlfriend likes to take pictures of liquid flavourings for soups and sauces. She's interested in stock photography.

 

I read that red meat is not bad for you. But furry green meat certainly is...

My girlfriend says calling me stupid is the last thing she wants to do. But she says she's now reached the last item on her list.

I didn't have any desire to park my car in the grounds of my house. You see, I just don't have any drive.

When it comes to counting from zero, I'll stop at nothing.

A doctor once found a fantastic sheet of window glass found inside a man's bottom. What a pane in the ass. I know, it's schoolboy standard this week. Sorry about that.

I told my friend that I don't have a problem with attitude. It's just that he has a problem with perception.

I have a friend who wrote a book but couldn't read, so he regularly checks the top 10 best sellers and wonders if any of the books were his.

There's this bookshop that's selling books on top secrets at bargain prices. In fact, they're practically giving them away.

My brother's got a huge appetite for books so I bought him one on cookery.

My friend loves non-creative thinking. Now he can't imagine doing anything else.

I wondered why my friend was so bright. He had a working light bulb in his head.

I'm terrible with synonyms. I mean... I'm terrible!

What do you call a joke about an individual cruise ship that sailed across the Atlantic? - One liner.

I can't see myself working for a company that makes blindfolds.

 

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